Starting over…….again.

27 Jul

Wow…… I am, almost a year later and see that I didn’t even make it an entire month last time before quitting.  That’s pretty discouraging.  It is so easy to be led astray by work and life.  I actually ballooned up to around 280 lbs in the last yeara but have lost almost 10 lbs again during these last 6 weeks using Weight Watchers online.  It isn’t even THAT hard, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.

I tried kayaking last weekend (July 21st) and really liked it………..getting stuck on rocks and tipping over on a little rapid area was frustrating and scary, though.  Trying to get myself unstuck from rocks left me feeling winded and fatigued a few times.  I also earned myself a fabulous awkward sunburn from wrists to elbows and ankles to knees.  I’m still nursing the burn on my legs–it sucks.  I should have been smarter about that.

Seeing the pictures of myself afterwards, though, really made me feel like crap, though.  There is one picture, taken by the local event host/expert who had to help me all day long.  He took this picture towards the end of the 8 mile course we took.  The scenery around me beautiful but I look disgusting in it.  The fat rolls around my middle are very defined and it just looks nasty.  I downloaded the picture from where the guy posted it online for us and set it as my desktop background so I can be reminded every day of how I look.  I’m disgusted by it.

Also, in comparing this picture to the others, I noticed that this kayak looks like a “low-rider”–especially in the back.  Like it is about to give up and sink under my fat ass.  I looked at the kayaks with the “healthier” people and tried to determine if it’s the shot with this particular part of the water or this type of kayak, etc…….While the other things may play a part, I DO feel like my kayak sits slightly lower than most others…….I’m lucky it could carry me at all, I guess.

Furthermore, I’ve been actively pursuing dating for the past few weeks and, upon seeing the picture, I understand why I’m still single and can’t find somebody who is attracted to that.  Even in the online communities, I can’t get to know someone more than a few messages typically because as soon as he learns that I’m fat, every good quality about me becomes moot.  I hate what I have become.  I want to have guys interested in dating me, I want to go kayaking, hiking, and a million other activities without being self-conscious about everyone watching the fat girl who can’t do it because she’s too fat.

But, like everyone else, I want it now.  I want instant results, to skip ahead to the part where I am capable of doing these things without investing this time to start at the beginning–I’m tired of waiting.  If I want it so bad, why is it so hard to stick to it?

I hate being fat……


Day 22

22 Aug

Today was a good day!  I lost 3 lbs somehow……even after fast food 4 times during the week and all of the craziness.

My legs and feet are finally feeling rested and better, I was able to go to the grocery store today, got a pedicure, did just a little work, and went out to dinner with someone new.

I hope this sets the tone for the rest of the week!  There will be some long and crazy days this week, but I’m expecting things to go well.  🙂  I also know that I won’t be able to go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday or Thursday, so I’m hoping for Tuesday, Friday and Saturday.

Day 21

21 Aug

I’m exhausted!  I overslept through my alarm somehow this morning and got to work an hour after my original plan.  I only had 2 hours to work and got some stuff done, but still have plenty to do–which means going in early on Monday to try to finish before the Open House.

I haven’t been to the gym since I went back to work–today is the 4th day and I’m disappointed by that.   I doubt if I will go tomorrow and I know that I won’t go on Monday.  I should set a goal to go on Tuesday.

My only salvation and hope in this week is the 5-7 miles I’m tracking on my pedometer during these days of chaos and activity of walking around in the stores and the school looking for the materials I’m needing and moving around things to organize it all.  My legs and feet ache every night and I’m eating whatever is fast and convenient.

I have NO idea what to expect on the scale tomorrow morning.

Day 20

20 Aug

I’m exhausted!  While I got around 7 hours of sleep last night, I had a million things to do today and logged over 7.5 miles on the pedometer just from going to work and running errands all afternoon.  I still have a lot to do at work and need to go in for a few hours tomorrow in hopes that I can finish up the necessities and avoid going in really early on Monday morning as it will be a long day as it is.

Today is the 3rd day in a row that I did not go to the gym.  I’m disappointed because I was afraid this would happen.  I have more errands to run and more shopping to do after I leave work tomorrow at 12:00 p.m. but I’m hoping that I will have the energy and motivation to go to the gym.  My legs and feet are so tired and sore from being on them so much already and my left knee was even bothering me a little today–so strange as I have never had problems with that leg before.

Here’s to hoping for a succesful day tomorrow!

Day 19

19 Aug

I didn’t ever think I would fall asleep last night, so I was tired and sleepy all day today.  My eyes were also red and irritated all day –I clearly need to throw away my eye makeup because I only have this issue when I wear it; regardless of how well I wash it off in the evening.

It was a long and frustrating day full of crowded spaces and traffic, long presentations and meetings.  I had planned to run home during my lunch to grab a bowl of cereal and my gym bag, but the traffic prevented that and I skipped out on the gym again today.  I’m trying to pep talk myself into going tomorrow, but I really need to go to the grocery store tomorrow–maybe I can talk myself into doing that tomorrow evening AFTER the gym.

I’m logging over 3 miles of movement each day, so my legs and feet are still tired at the end of the day without the extra 90 minute workout at the gym, so I don’t feel like a complete failure this week.

I’ve also been eating junk to compensate for the hectic schedule, but I managed to get rid of the last of those cupcakes tonight so they will no longer be a threat.  ha ha   🙂

Crossing my fingers for a good weekend and a loss on the weigh-in on Sunday!

Day 18

18 Aug

First day back to work.  My legs and feet were slightly sore all day.  I didn’t even bother to take my gym bag with me because I knew that I would take today off from training.  However, on the way home, I felt a small twinge of desire to go—guess that is a good thing but my legs and feet could use the break to rest.

I’m really tired tonight, so exhausted that I fell asleep shortly after 7:30 while trying to watch a movie.  I was in and out of sleep until 9:00 when I decided to get up and finish my nightly routine before slipping into bed for the rest of the night.

I didn’t eat much real food today, but stuffed myself full of the leftover cupcakes that I made last night.  I had several leftover and helped myself to eat a lot of them.  They aren’t even my best work.  I might throw the rest away tom0rrow to rid myself of the temptation.

I will be sitting through presentations and meetings most of the day tomorrow so I am planning to go to the gym afterwards make sure I keep it in my regular routine through the week as my schedule gets crazier.  I can’t let this slip.


Day 17

17 Aug

Even better today for getting a few things done around the house and going to the gym without much thought.  I put the orthotics in my shoes at the gym and didn’t feel any shin splints while on the treadmill, so that was good.

Still hit just over 3 miles on the bike, pushed for sets of 20 on the shoulder press instead of the 15 I have been doing.  I looked at my upper arm in the mirror while working on my triceps and biceps, but there is still no real definition there yet, but I’m working on it.  I pushed myself just a little harder on the treadmill today.  I jogged for three quick bursts, 2 times at 1 minute each and the last one at 45 seconds before hitting the mile in 15:22, another 13 seconds off my time.  At this rate, I could be under 15 minutes next week.

Got to run……I should be in bed already–going back to work tomorrow and didn’t do ANYTHING to prepare all summer…..the next few weeks will be CRAZY.  I’m not planning to go to the gym tomorrow, but I should be back there on Thursday, I hope.